not my crystal ball. at all

so here i am. why? i honestly am not sure. its just that, nowadays, with so much going on around me, i feel so, small. like theres no one to talk to. no one to turn to. Theres so many things i wanna do, so many things that i wish to do... but i feel so, incapable, like i am so useless, always looked down upon. maybe it is just me you know that. maybe it is. i just, don't want to lose people that i love, people that i trust. i mean, in everything i do, i just think of how people react to it. is that wrong? you know, today one of my juniors told me that i have low self esteem. do i? it really hit me in the face. i mean, i am someone who reads people alot, sometimes too much, and by reacting, people see me as emo, as going overboard. i don't know man. i just live my life, and like, people react. i try what i can, hoping and aiming, but really, people get it so easy. you know, i wanna sing for a band, not a rock band, but a band of people i can work with, and trust, and enjoy music together with. i wanna sing for chapel. i wanna be there for my junior om team. i wanna, for the first time in a long time, truly fit in my class. i want... my life to be on track. you know, right now, im just living for school, and thats sad. its the little things i really appreciate. Like going down to help my juniors, i love them. they are just such a great bunch of people, they truly are blessings. i guess i have been blessed. With people like collin dhanesh rayan, my other omers, though they love insulting and laughing at me, and like beth, hadi. these people are really and truly people i love spending time with, they are blessings, i feel so, with all my heart. I guess sometimes, i give off myself, too readily, you know, and people take it the wrong way. really. sigh. i am trying so so hard, to be happy, to be loving my life right now, and i am not. i feel pain and sadness. i feel unsuccessful. i feel, like an work of hurried badly done art thrown onto this world of perfection and struggling to fit in, as impossible as it seems. as collin says ' im not needed, i won't be of any help'. hehs. reassuring man. i want to be like a happy person again. i am forgetting what its like to be. i want to know and experience that once again. i truly do.

.i dont practice santeria, i ain't got no crystal ball. :S