mmmhmm.

ok, so i have been studying econs all night. its been pretty depressing. its quite alot of stuff and economics is not exactly my forte. sigh. its one of those nights. I wish i could tell myself i was emoing, that this was just another phase of me being my usual random self, but i can't. Its like, i am really wishing rite now theres a switch i can just push or flick or turn to make me happy. like lighten up. ok parents just got home. hmmm. why, is there this freaking like uneasiness about me i just can't get rid of. Everyday it gets harder to wake up. to just go through one more day. i could blame it on stress on work. but honestly? i know its not. I know what its not, but i don't know what it is. and thats freaking screwed up. gosh. i still remember that day i dreamt of me like conking out in a coma and dying. it felt good. shit now im morbid. i don't know why. disgusting. ok erase that thought. i don;t get along with my family that well, i don;t have any close friends. Those i think im close to don't rely give a rats ass about me and im escaping. i really am. ive been locking myself in my room singing and recording and looking forward to dance more and more. happy tim. gone. social life. gone. looking forward to friends in school. gone. whats left? me. and well, me is sick and tired and wants a change so freaking badly. i used to think i was a people's person but now, i realised. i suck. big time. sometimes i get so tired of like being the joking chirpy guy in school cos sometimes its acting and when u act for really long, it gets so tiring. and thats when i die. life is reaching a numbing point of being robotic. And it hurts, so bad. you know its like u wanna shout and break down but you don't freaking care and bother because you know that no matter what you do, somehow, this...thing...this...irksome unhappiness can't exactly go away. in fact, maybe, just i should quit school go like some distant land and start life anew under another name. nope. that won't help either. The awkward looks, the side glances of disrespect, looking down on me. a familiar feeling i feel everywhere i go in life. People talking about me and how screwed up i am. im so sure it goes on everywhere. like why was i even here in the first place. i have yet to make a significant contribution to this society. im just me. thinking maybe, too much. hmmm. i just realised ive been just ranting for quite a while now. wth. see? i just wasted my time again typing shit. people will read this and say, whats wrong with tim. dont wonder, everythings wrong. now now i answered ur questions already right? if theres only one freaking im sure of in life rite now... theres only one place ill feel proud of me. throw me on a stage. ask me to perform. that should be great fun. its late. i am so glad i have this private little space here. no one cares about who i am and i can just stay me. and i know i can say what i want without being judged or looked down upon. but of course, it i was ill be fine. used to it by now. so long world.