thursday

signed up for dance.
so you think you can dance finalist workshop.
during ms julie today
was watching a sex scene and didnt even know it until ms thiru told me
woohoo.
sze mins so nice. i think i irritate people
im an irritant.
why do people even bother with me?
hope hadi can confirm about phantom soon.
still cant change my mind.
maybe if im gone or never was.
the world would be better/
u bet it would be.
i do

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this song is kinda cool.

Sometimes I get emotional
Sometimes I do some stupid things
Sometimes I say
What I should just keep inside
Sometimes I'm sad
'Bout everything
Sometimes I'm mad
And break some things
Sorry times ten
But you just got in the way

Don't give up now running away
I won't hurt you
Sometimes I'm just a pain
And that's the way it is
That's just the way I am

Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
Laughing's always easy
But sometimes I'm just scared
You'll leave me
That's when I feel
Emotional

You say I'm just impossible
Totally unpredictable
I'm just a girl get used to it
No big deal

You can't change me
Why would you try
I'm no angel
But I can make you smile
And that's the way it is
And that's just the way I am

Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
Laughing's always easy
But sometimes I’m just scared
You'll leave me
That's when I feel
Emotional 

have yet to decide what song to get for mom and when to order flowers.
hist test on v day. screwed.
not to forget econs test day before.

mmmhmm.

ok, so i have been studying econs all night. its been pretty depressing. its quite alot of stuff and economics is not exactly my forte. sigh. its one of those nights. I wish i could tell myself i was emoing, that this was just another phase of me being my usual random self, but i can't. Its like, i am really wishing rite now theres a switch i can just push or flick or turn to make me happy. like lighten up. ok parents just got home. hmmm. why, is there this freaking like uneasiness about me i just can't get rid of. Everyday it gets harder to wake up. to just go through one more day. i could blame it on stress on work. but honestly? i know its not. I know what its not, but i don't know what it is. and thats freaking screwed up. gosh. i still remember that day i dreamt of me like conking out in a coma and dying. it felt good. shit now im morbid. i don't know why. disgusting. ok erase that thought. i don;t get along with my family that well, i don;t have any close friends. Those i think im close to don't rely give a rats ass about me and im escaping. i really am. ive been locking myself in my room singing and recording and looking forward to dance more and more. happy tim. gone. social life. gone. looking forward to friends in school. gone. whats left? me. and well, me is sick and tired and wants a change so freaking badly. i used to think i was a people's person but now, i realised. i suck. big time. sometimes i get so tired of like being the joking chirpy guy in school cos sometimes its acting and when u act for really long, it gets so tiring. and thats when i die. life is reaching a numbing point of being robotic. And it hurts, so bad. you know its like u wanna shout and break down but you don't freaking care and bother because you know that no matter what you do, somehow, this...thing...this...irksome unhappiness can't exactly go away. in fact, maybe, just i should quit school go like some distant land and start life anew under another name. nope. that won't help either. The awkward looks, the side glances of disrespect, looking down on me. a familiar feeling i feel everywhere i go in life. People talking about me and how screwed up i am. im so sure it goes on everywhere. like why was i even here in the first place. i have yet to make a significant contribution to this society. im just me. thinking maybe, too much. hmmm. i just realised ive been just ranting for quite a while now. wth. see? i just wasted my time again typing shit. people will read this and say, whats wrong with tim. dont wonder, everythings wrong. now now i answered ur questions already right? if theres only one freaking im sure of in life rite now... theres only one place ill feel proud of me. throw me on a stage. ask me to perform. that should be great fun. its late. i am so glad i have this private little space here. no one cares about who i am and i can just stay me. and i know i can say what i want without being judged or looked down upon. but of course, it i was ill be fine. used to it by now. so long world.

events. events.

Its like, there are things coming my way. Hmm... Hans' birthday, valentine's day, mom' birthday, chinese new year. Chronological order. Hehs. Got Hans a present. But rest have yet to be solved. haha. Nt that they are regarded as problems, you know what i mean.

Really glad TOK oral presentation is finally over too. Gosh, Milton we did it. can't believe we pulled it off what with last minute work and all that. And thanks to Beth and Bee teck, had to sing for my presentation last week. haha... fly me to the moon... once again. Its so, cool, cos like i sang that for both haven auditions and wildrice auditions too. woah, do i have here my first trademark song? right tim. right.

Finished lit presentation. gotta catch upon history and physics. Study for econs test. can life get any busier? i guess maybe yeah. Good i guess. as long as i forget and get over her. i mean, it so surreal. Our last meal and like. next thing i know shes gone... forever? i really don't know. And as much as i would like to meet her again, deep down something tells me that we won't. and thats majorly sucky. Big time. sigh. I miss her. i guess. she did care, she had her reasons. but didn't she think about my reaction?

whats done is done. no use mulling over it rite? sigh. gotta rmber to pass jeremy his maths cd. i keep forgetting! whoever reads this? remind me... im kinda tired. will blog here another time. Before i go...

Gideon please return me my frickin' OM jacket? Jokes over ok? :(

Sometimes i wonder what lies ahead
How long til my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
so many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and i try to pray
in the silence i can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like that i'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
why i should give up
But i'm stubborn in the things i believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to the patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One i still cant see
A little surprise, like your love in your life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to the patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

yep. i guess so. everything in its time... thanks Corrine May.

not my crystal ball. at all

so here i am. why? i honestly am not sure. its just that, nowadays, with so much going on around me, i feel so, small. like theres no one to talk to. no one to turn to. Theres so many things i wanna do, so many things that i wish to do... but i feel so, incapable, like i am so useless, always looked down upon. maybe it is just me you know that. maybe it is. i just, don't want to lose people that i love, people that i trust. i mean, in everything i do, i just think of how people react to it. is that wrong? you know, today one of my juniors told me that i have low self esteem. do i? it really hit me in the face. i mean, i am someone who reads people alot, sometimes too much, and by reacting, people see me as emo, as going overboard. i don't know man. i just live my life, and like, people react. i try what i can, hoping and aiming, but really, people get it so easy. you know, i wanna sing for a band, not a rock band, but a band of people i can work with, and trust, and enjoy music together with. i wanna sing for chapel. i wanna be there for my junior om team. i wanna, for the first time in a long time, truly fit in my class. i want... my life to be on track. you know, right now, im just living for school, and thats sad. its the little things i really appreciate. Like going down to help my juniors, i love them. they are just such a great bunch of people, they truly are blessings. i guess i have been blessed. With people like collin dhanesh rayan, my other omers, though they love insulting and laughing at me, and like beth, hadi. these people are really and truly people i love spending time with, they are blessings, i feel so, with all my heart. I guess sometimes, i give off myself, too readily, you know, and people take it the wrong way. really. sigh. i am trying so so hard, to be happy, to be loving my life right now, and i am not. i feel pain and sadness. i feel unsuccessful. i feel, like an work of hurried badly done art thrown onto this world of perfection and struggling to fit in, as impossible as it seems. as collin says ' im not needed, i won't be of any help'. hehs. reassuring man. i want to be like a happy person again. i am forgetting what its like to be. i want to know and experience that once again. i truly do.

.i dont practice santeria, i ain't got no crystal ball. :S